Posts Tagged ‘topical humor’

“Own a Lib” Operator’s Manual

August 16, 2020

The Original Own a Lib Corporation

Congratulations!  You have realized your dream of Owning a Lib! Others may spend all their waking hours looking for cool put-downs of Liberals to re-post on social media, attempting to rhetorically “own” their enemies. Not you, discriminating Purchaser!  Nosirree. Not for you the empty tit for tat online exchange. You have plunked down cold hard cash for the actual purchase of your very own Lib.  The Original Own a Lib Corporation salutes your Bold Decision. Rest assured, whatever price you paid, our Guaranteed Authentic Lib is a true bargain. With proper care and feeding your Lib is sure to bring you years of smug satisfaction.

In order to enjoy your Lib to the fullest, please read the following Guidelines:

Section ONE:  Get To Know Your Lib

At first glance, your Lib may look disappointingly human.  The Original Own a Lib Corporation Complaints Department has received a number of calls from Purchasers who expected their Product (“The Lib”) to come equipped with horns or other satanic regalia. As the Premier collector and distributor of Libs worldwide, The Original Own a Lib Corporation can assure you that your Lib was collected directly from its natural habitat (Starbucks) and sold in its pristine natural condition. You may be able to locate horns on a secondary market, but they are not included in your purchase, and are not part of the mechanical functioning of your Lib. The Original Own a Lib Corporation is not responsible for any malfunction due to the use of unauthorized secondary market products.

A few complaints have been registered when purchasers say their Lib looks disturbing like a favorite neighbor. The Original Own a Lib Corporation is not responsible for any resemblance of their Product to actual persons, living or dead.

A number of complainants have stated that their recently purchased Lib demonstrates a high level of tolerance, resulting in Owner discomfort, particularly in matters of race and gender.The Original Own a Lib Corporation would like to remind such purchasers: caveat emptor.  You should have been aware of what you were purchasing.  Descriptions on Amazon were clearly written by our Legal Department.  No returns will be accepted based on “excessively” High Tolerance Tendencies in your Lib.  Because of natural variation between models, you may, however, choose to return your Lib and receive credit toward another model.  Owner will, of course, be responsible for any and all additional Shipping and Processing Fees incurred.

Section TWO: Care and Feeding of your Lib

Many purchasers have (without bothering to read The Manual, we might add) simply fed their Lib a normal diet of fast food and Fox News. Recent internet “research”, based on Gay Conversion Therapy, suggests that you can, indeed, politically convert your Lib using this diet. The Original Own a Lib Corporation is aware of, but is advised to legally disavow, this research, which was, in full disclosure, paid for by our founder. Our Legal Department requires us to warn you that such a diet is unproven as a conversion tool, and may actually induce malfunction. The Original Own a Lib Corporation reminds Owner that you purchased this product for its annoyance value.  Any conversion attempts may lead to a lessening of satisfaction with The Product, for which  The Original Own a Lib Corporation is NOT responsible.

DISCLAIMER: The Original Own a Lib Corporation categorically denies ANY accusations that ANY of our Libs have caused damage in ANY way to their Owners.  Our hand-shanghaied Libs are meticulously chosen and subjected to rigorous lab testing prior to sale.  Our Lab Libs are proven to remain peaceful in the face of relentless verbal abuse and/or ridicule.  Another internet “study” (full disclosure, this study was sponsored by our Founder’s son), has “proven” that Libs respond to their owners with consistent respect (if not downright awe), and gratitude for the gift of being owned. 

In certain cases, Product (“The Lib”) has been accused of causing a diminishment of Anger and Hostility in Owner.  The Original Own a Lib Corporation categorically denies any such causation. Owner is solely responsible for Owner’s Attitude.

CAUTION: If Product should spontaneously burst into any rendition of “Kumbayah”, Owner should NOT, under any circumstances, join in.  Doing so may cause irreparable attitude change.  The Original Own a Lib Corporation is not responsible for spontaneous attitude change of any kind.

DISCLAIMER: The Original Own a Lib Corporation categorically denies ANY implication that our sales to repeat customers IN ANY WAY condones or contributes to ANY deliberate plan or Conspiracy to entirely eradicate Libs by facilitating  the purchase of multiple Libs with intent to deliberately cause their malfunction and/or extinction.

NOTE TO CUSTOMERS: The Original Own a Lib Corporation assures our customers that the supply of Libs is not endangered in any way, and is, in disturbing fact, growing at a rate faster than demand.  We appreciate repeat Customers.  Ask us about our Bulk Rates.

Seccion TRES:  CUIDADO!  Sorry, don’t know how that Spanish snuck in there!

Update: Fernando has been fired.

Section THREE:  CAUTION!  There.  That’s better.

Your new Lib is guaranteed to bring you years of enjoyment as a handy target for your superior put-downs, and clear evidence that you have “won”.  You will be the envy of all your MAGAA* friends!

However, settlements of recent litigation require The Original Own a Lib Corporation to issue the following WARNING(S):

The Original Own a Lib Corporation is NOT RESPONSIBLE for damage done to your Lib through Owner’s neglect, operator error, or failure to properly maintain said Product according to minimal standards as defined by the U.N. Commission on Human Rights.  

The Original Own a Lib Corporation is NOT responsible for any civil or criminal charges that may be brought against Owner as a result of Owner’s mistreatment of Product (“The Lib”) as described in the preceding paragraph above.  

The Original Own a Lib Corporation is required to inform Owner that your Lib can only thrive under the same conditions (adequate health care, clean air and water, universal access to equal justice, and a functioning Democracy) that sustain and support Owner.  All assertions to the contrary have been debunked on Snopes.com. 

*Make America Great Again…Again

liberal

Pronunciation /ˈlib(ə)rəl/ /ˈlɪb(ə)rəl/ 

ADJECTIVE

  • 1Willing to respect or accept behavior or opinions different from one’s own; open to new ideas.

‘they have more liberal views toward marriage and divorce than some people’

  1. 1.1(in a political context) favoring policies that are socially progressive and promote social welfare.

Often contrasted with conservative (sense 2 of the adjective)

‘she is under attack from the right wing for making her own liberal political views known’


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